The Sacrifice for which you win approval but not applause

This line is from Linda Pastan's beautiful poem, "Baseball."

It's just one moment in a larger work, but it resonates loudly. I'm not sure why I have such a visceral reaction to the concept of sacrifice. It has an appeal, of course. The idea of caring for others before yourself, contributing to the collective well-being. These are good things, things we would like to see more of, right?

But then there's the inconvenient aspect of who is asked to sacrifice, and how that sacrifice is received. Motherhood is a good example. I should probably emphasize here that I am not a mother, so no, I don't really have any idea what it's like to be one. I always assumed I would be one.... until I found myself not having the guts to do it.

I think it might have been the self-sacrifice ideal that scared me away.

Obviously, parenthood is one of the most important jobs -- if not the most important -- that anybody can take on. It will always necessitate sacrifice. Keeping fragile young beings alive and intact will never come easily. It will always be essential, because the human race needs to keep itself going.

Perhaps because this biological imperative is so deeply ingrained, it's completely taken for granted. Yet, oddly, it's also glorified.

Motherhood is revered... sort of. Look around. Mothers are held up as the noblest of the noble, the ideals of self-sacrifice. Mothers who fail to sacrifice are scorned as nature's darkest evils, viewed with horror and fascination. You've seen them on your news screens -- the abusers, the neglecters, the abandoners, the shameless hussies who leave their kids sitting in parked cars while they run off to have sleazy trysts with sleazier lovers.

Of course, their behavior deserves our condemnation. But unfit mothers will always incite horror in ways that unfit fathers never will. Only Bad Mothers are paraded through multiple media outlets, as if being brought before angry townspeople armed with torches and pitchforks.

Motherhood has become the convergence of all of society's contradictory and conflicting expectations for women. Although seemingly admired, mothers are also judged to no end, and it often seems that they just can't win. A few years back, much was made of the "Mommy Wars" occurring between stay-at-home moms and working moms. These "wars" played out in the media with depressing results. The Home Moms, defensive about being "just" mothers, pointed fingers at the Work Moms. The Work Moms, defensive about being away from their kids during work hours, fired back. At least a few of the Non Moms, observing from the relative safety of the sidelines, felt guilty for staying out of it all together.

Unfortunately, our culture reveres motherhood without fully respecting it. Women in leadership positions must guard against seeming too "maternal" or "soft," proving that they can be tough and decisive. At the same time, if they seem too tough or ambitious or decisive or "cold" (non-maternal), watch out! It's no mistake that female politicians fall all over themselves to explain how their platforms and policies spring -- first and foremost -- from their roles as mothers.

And why not? Our culture loves mothers, as long as their mothering never becomes inconvenient in any way. That's why we love self-sacrificing mothers: because we're not willing to provide them with any actual assistance, such as affordable child care, career security, or understanding when a sick child causes a missed workday. Sure, there are signs of progress, and fathers are partners in parenting more than ever. But it is still women who talk about the tug-of-war between family and career, and it is still women who are most often asked to sacrifice.

For most women, even today, having a child necessitates some kind of career disruption. This might be time away from the job and subsequent loss of status. It might be a switch to less supervisory responsibility, in exchange for more flexible hours. Or it might simply mean a longstanding struggle to do too much work at home and on the job, with too little time and energy. The only women who usually have the freedom to be stay at home moms for any length of time -- an unbelievably worthy job, by all measures -- are those women who are able or willing to become financially dependent upon somebody else. All of these options are sacrifices.

What do these self-sacrificers get? Flowers on Mother's Day. TV commercials extolling their virtues. Magazine articles, geared toward women, laughingly describing the sacrifices of motherhood (no appreciation! constant chaos! you'll have to go to work on 2 hours sleep and your boss won't care! and you'll never have sex again! ha ha ha!)

Even the makeover shows get into the act. They love to glorify the woman who "takes care of everybody else," clicking their tongues at how sad it is that Mom has no time to devote to herself. Teams of stylists and fashion consultants and makeup artists swoop onto the scene to pamper Mom for one day. Once she is transformed, they plunk her back down into the bosom of her family and drop the baby back in her arms. (The baby usually cries; the mother often does, too).

It's nice that these shows affirm that Mom is still a woman who deserves to look and feel good. But the message is always clear. She has earned the right to look and feel good, because she has sacrificed. And she's expected to continue sacrificing.

For which she will win approval, but not applause.